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Self- forgiveness is a willingness to abandon the personal belief or one's right to believe in an eye-for-an-eye retaliation against oneself when one has acted unjust either towards someone else or oneself.
This is followed by the release of debilitating internal feelings such as being angry, hating, condemning, and loathing oneself.
In the end, one finds acceptance - becoming at peace with oneself in ways that are compassionate, caring and nurturing resulting in a healing of the spirit.
The Self-forgiveness Process
- An action, or inaction, has an effect on an interpersonal relationship, one of the defining characteristics being that it involves loss.
- A profound sense of being wounded ensues, its defining characteristic being that the whole person is implicated, and feels pained – mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
- The wound is sustained with self-punishment, isolation, alienation, withdrawal, and self-blame. Others may also keep the wound alive with judgment and criticism, but the defining feature is that the person is well able to maintain the sense of hurt and self-recrimination him or herself.
- Pain becomes too intense and action is taken to rid the self of such pain.
- One tries to heal the self with many potions and elixirs, such as drugs and alcohol, or behavioral promises and interventions, such as self-help materials, all seemingly to no or little avail.
- A pivotal point introduces itself, marking a different approach, rooted in a spiritual and/or relational understanding.
- The relation can exist with a counselor, therapist, deity, prayer, and/or another person. One learns to accept the decision/choice one has made and the results of the actions taken. It is at this point that self-forgiveness permits one to explore the spiritual nature of one's existence and to hopefully, eventually find harmony within.
- Eventually, new meanings of the facts of the experience will be accepted to bring about a healing. The process is perpetual and life changing. There will be a sense of balance and return to health experienced by one's forgiveness of self.
Quotes from Dr. Beiter's Dissertation
In the face of being wronged, punishment through revenge, retaliation, and retribution seem the more readily acceptable and culturally agreed upon solution, certainly much more so than forgiveness even as it pertains to oneself.
Punishment, not forgiveness, is fundamentally entrenched within Western culture as an appropriate and satisfying response to wrongs committed against others, and ourselves. Does punishment lead to a sense of healing or wholeness, or restore us to the human community?
In order for the victim to forgive one who has acted unjustly toward her/him, the victim must first forgive her/himself for feeling angry, resentful and/or revengeful toward the offender. In other words, self-forgiveness is absolutely necessary before one can forgive others.
The first step involved in learning to self-forgive is being able to suspend your belief in an eye-for-an-eye payback for what you did or failed to do. Suspending the belief is what allows the path to self-forgiveness to illuminate. Once the authority of an eye for an eye has been suspended, one can move toward releasing the feelings of condemnation, resentment, and subtle revenge that one feels about oneself. This comes from being able to re-author or redefine the past and the meaning the events hold for the person.